(set: $Gum to false)
(set: $Crowbar to false)
(set: $CreditCard to false)
(set: $Door to false)
Your name is Detective Gumshoe and you are the smartest, bravest detective ever. You have solved a ton of famous crimes. The murder of King Tumpet-Hoedown, the mystery of big canyon hole, and the curiouse case of big lumps, to name a few. But today you face your greatest challenge...somewhere a little farther ahead. I think. It's super dark but there is a light down the hallway, I guess we'll just hope the mystery is confined to the light.
[[The abandoned hallway]]
[[turn back in a decidedly un-Detective Gumshoe-like manner]]
(set: $Gum to true)
Ok maybe a little farther still this seems to just be some tunnel or passagew--SQUISH
You instantly notice a lump under your right foot, fulcruming your step into a weird see-saw motion. Strange. You take another step and feel the solid wad still beneath your sole.
[[Meh, whatever. Keep walking|the door]]
You turn back, deciding mysteries aren't your thing anymore. Maybe you will get into knitting or writing funny stories about tiny sweaters and trucknuts but you put them on a laptop or ipad or something.
The end. This is the big L (loser) ending, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder so maybe you're into that kinda thing. No judgement.(if: $Gum is true)[Your worn rubber sole is punctuated by a thick, fat, wad of dirty pink bubblegum plastered right in the middle. The consistency of stretchy cement. It's freaking yucky and icky, but I guess you can live with it.
(if: $Crowbar is true)[[[Use the crowbar on the gum|crowgum]]]
(if: $CreditCard is true)[[[Use the credit card on the gum|cardgum]]]
[[Return|the door]]]
(if: $Gum is false)[Your worn rubber sole is clean as heck--smooth but humble. It is like a vast plain beneath your foot. You imagine the small rubber fauna roaming its vastness, in search of food and mate.
[[Return|the door]]]
(if: $Door is false)[There it is, the mystery you came here for. The door. There is no handle and it seems set tight in the frame.
A door sits ajar to a utility closet on your left.
On your right, the foyer extends further into a small kitchenette.
And immediately in front of you, still far from the door, is a red button on a pedestal.
(if: $Gum is true)[Even with all of the exciting options to see, every second step is agony, like you are climbing over a small boulder underfoot each time. Your hip is starting to notice
[[Check your shoe|sole]]]
(if: $Gum is false)[]
(if: $Crowbar is true)[[[Use the crowbar on the door|crowdoor]]]
(if: $CreditCard is true)[[[Use the credit card on the door|creditdoor]]]
[[go to the utility closet|closet]]
[[go to the kitchen|kitchen]]
[[press red button|button]]]
(if: $Door is true)[Well now, would you look at that. The door is still open. I guess you can just walk inside and solve the mystery.
Hey...when you go in there....just...just don't forget about me....I'll miss you....
[[Enter the mysterious door|exit]]]
(set: $Gum to false)
Chequing or Savings? Either works as you deftly slip the MasterCard Platinum into a small gap between the gum and sole. Swipeeeeeee clean through, dislodging the dirty pink lump into your waiting palm. Staring at it, you feel a satisfaction deeper than any purchase has afforded you.
[[Return to the door|the door]]You press the button. The mysterious door slides open instantly. But you notice that the second you release the button, the mysterious door slides back closed (far too quickly to cheat and run under it, ok?).
[[Return|the door]]
(if: $Gum is true)[]
(if: $Gum is false)[[[Stick the button down permanently with the gum|gum button]]](set: $Door to true)
Ahhhh you get it. Detective Gum-shoe. That's you! Wow, you feel so dumb for not catching that until now. I guess the writing of the game was too well-constructed, ushering you into a deep immersion. I can't blame you. But don't do it again.
[[Return|the door]](if: $Crowbar is false)[In the utility closet, a wide array of tools, weapons, and dust surround you. However, it is a particularly shiny crowbar that catches your eyes among the mess.
[[Pick up the crowbar|crowbar]]]
(if: $Crowbar is true)[This is the utility closet you got the crowbar in just moments ago. Good times. Good memories. I'll never forget you, utility closet]
[[Return to the door|the door]](if: $CreditCard is false)[Soup's on! I'm just kidding, this kitchen is old and abandoned and empty. Rusty pots and old beans litter the stovetop and dining table. Everything looks gross and yucky. Except a particularly shiny toaster.
[[Check out the toaster|toaster]]]
(if: $CreditCard is true)[This is the old stinky kitchen you got the new credit card from. It happened really recently. I don't think you need me to tell you this.]
[[Return to the door|the door]](set: $Crowbar to true)
Hell yeah, you are like Half-Life man. You take a couple swingaroos with it. Hoo boy, that heft. You instantly develop a problematic and phallocentric complex with your weapon.
[[Return|closet]]You wield the crowbar and attack the door. Neither normal attacks nor super-attacks seem to work. You try your ultimate but still, nothing. The door construction is too tight to find purchase for the crowbar. You feel sexually weaker after this hopeless attack.
[[Return|the door]]As best you can, you wedge the very edge of the crowbar against the base of the gum wad. You step down and mount over the crowbar. Then you crow like hell. But nothing, only a whole lotta wasted energy and no success. The crowbar reminds you of your first lover.
[[Return|sole]]The brand new toaster looks clean and brand new. You go to press down the handle in pure instinct to check if it works. Strange, the handle is already depressed. It seems something inside the toaster slots is jammed.
(if: $Crowbar is false)[[[Oh well, back to the kitchen|kitchen]]]
(if: $Crowbar is true)[[[Use the crowbar on the toaster|croaster]]](set: $CreditCard to true)
FIRST OF ALL, you make sure the toaster is unplugged from all sockets. It is. It is unplugged from the one socket. Ok, now you gingerly nestle the end of your crowbar into the toaster slot. You blush. But it's working! A gentle, considerate, and loving torque later and the lever is freed, popping back up and launching a brand new Mastercard Platinum Credit Card up into the air. You pick it up don't you, you little capitalist pig.
[[Back to the kitchen|kitchen]]You think you're really sneaky, huh? You run the credit card along all the edges of the door but the gaps simply don't exist. You wish each attempt was instead a smooth swipe through the little card machine at Starbucks. As you travel along each edge of the door you imagine your orders: a caramel macchiato, a vente christmas blend, a pumpkin scone, the snowman cookie. You don't care how overpriced they all are. Not when MasterCard has your back.
[[Return to the door|the door]]What the hell. It's just a gigantic pile of copies of the debut studio album by Nickelback.
Some mysteries were never meant to be solved, I guess.
